While a large tote may be the consensus on how to bring food into a theater, it is to an extent, played out. and some places will check large bags. What they won’t check, however, are your lumpy legs and steaming abdomen!
- Tearaway Track Pants – 3 Sizes too large https://www.amazon.com/Tearaway-Athletic-Pants-Charcoal-Black/dp/B008L4259G
- A wide variety of bottled and/or canned beverages
- Duct Tape
- Something to Bite on
- Perforated Ziploc bag
Step 1. Call up all your friends last minute and ask what they want to drink. If possible, do this as late as you can before the movie begins. The adrenaline from rushing through the grocery store will assist with step X
Step 2. After purchasing beverages, align on surface of leg and tape in place. Rotate leg for further drink storage. Further tape can be used for insulation, but may result in difficulty retrieving drinks.
Step 3. Apply Pants and order pizza.
Step 4. When and if the pizza arrives before the movie, carefully place each slice into the perforated ziploc bag that you have previously sewn into your shirt. Do not worry – if you have not already done so, chaotically doing so now in under 5 minutes will only help you. If it is too much to handle, use staples.
Step 5. Apply Several Sweatbands to create the appearance of a sweaty, bulked up, pizza scented film major.
Step 6. Purchase ticket and proceed calmly into theater.
Step 7+8. You can carefully tear away your pants if that is how you choose to do it, but you have no choice for the following step. Swiftly rip off the tape securing the beverages to your skin. If you have already calmed down from running around earlier, you can silence your screams and avoid attracting attention by biting on one of the following options: a) several parking tickets, b) the pants you just tore off, c)the money you saved by bringing in your own beverages.
Step 9. Sit back, crack open a lukewarm Aquafina, and let the theater take you away as the advertisements reverberate against your burning flesh.